Me as the phoenix.

It finally snowed some last night and into this morning! I was incredibly happy to see it coming down, even though the reason I got to see it so early was based on a very unruly feline munching on a cardboard box at around 1:30am. Even better than my excitement was how quickly my girlfriend jumped out of bed right after me to run to the window and watch it. Snow is like Christmas for adults, I swear.

According to my advent calender (filled with chocolates!), the big day is a little over 2 weeks away. This terrifies me because I'm only halfway done (possibly less!) with my shopping, so much so that I'm having to drag my shopping unfriendly girlfriend into the bowels of the mall tomorrow. I'm lucky she loves me so much. *laugh*

I was thinking this morning about how different I felt last year. Sometimes the weather evokes memories, both good and bad, and this time of the year definitely left me with some lingering feelings about the person I was last year. It was a time of such confusion and lostness that stands in such stark comparision with who and where I am now. I almost can't recognize the person that I was before in the strong, tough, emotional vulnerable person I am now.

I cry all the time now. Commercials, happy things, sad things. I have such a wealth of emotion that I never accessed before and it is such an amazing and beautiful thing to feel myself opening up in new and unknown ways. Before, I was afraid to express what I perceived as weakness. Now, I can't stop it.

I still have some residual neediness based around the codependence that was exhibited in my previous relationship. Although, instead of a fear of being left, it's an understanding of just how sad I would be without her. I know she loves me, she's fought for me in a very real way (even when I was unable to fight for myself), and I trust her when she says she wants to be with me. The occasional needing to sit on her lap or hold her hand all the time isn't all bad, right?

Basically, I feel like the phoenix. I don't want to demonize my ex-girlfriend because there is no point in that, but the unhealthiness of our relationship definitely forced me to grow and change into this person that I really like, really respect and really cherish knowing how far I've come.