Happy New Year.

Although it's a Christmas song, The Pogues "Fairytale of New York" has been going through my head for the past few days. Specifically, the line "I've got a feeling this year's for me and you."

2011 was something else. I could probably find a specific adjective for each month and they wouldn't all be nice and ladylike. I spent last New Year's Eve drunk at the Bistro with my ex-girlfriend (who I had just broken up with a few hours previous). Another of my ex-girlfriends was there, drunkenly pulling my hair. When midnight rolled around, I called Jenny on the phone and we screamed "Happy New Year" at each other over the noise of our respective atmospheres.

It wasn't exactly the New Year's Eve I had planned. It was messy, full of too much negative emotion and guilt and general yuck.

But what I learned that day is that the way you physically spend your evening does not dictate your year. You decide the year you have. You make the choices, you make the mistakes and you decide your reactions.

You learn. At least, you should learn. People who don't learn from their lives are living in their graves already, tossing more dirt on their heads with each life lesson that passes them by.

This year, I'm focusing on me. I want to be more present in my life - a better partner, a better mother, a better human. I take so much for granted still, even though I know I shouldn't. Life can end at a moment's notice. Cars can crash. Carbon monoxide can leak in. You never know what life will bring you, whether angel food cake or a shit sandwich, and you need to be able to adapt to whatever comes.

So Happy New Year. I hope, for each one of you, it brings life lessons that you can learn and grow from.

And no shit sandwiches.

Love.

Christmas is over and I'm just now settling into the realization of how little money I have left over after the holidays. I'm working two jobs and just barely scraping by, trying to pay off a student loan and get right again after the turmoil of last year. I wanted so badly for my daughter to have a good Christmas this year, since we spent last year living out of two different houses and dealing with the emotional fallout of my previous relationship.

Today, we are in a much better place emotionally. We had the best Christmas I can remember in my history of the holidays, with and without Caitlin. I've developed a love and appreciation for myself and my body, for cooking good food in my house instead of ordering out all the time and, most important, family.

Without my family, I don't know where I'd be. I know I talk all the time about Jenny and it probably gets disgusting, but she is my rock. She knows how to "handle" me better than anyone and can talk me out of every nuclear situation I get myself emotionally into. My daughter is my sweet, crazy, loving peanut. She can always make me laugh and she gives the best hugs.

And my family, well, they are amazing to say the least. My dad is the best shoulder one can ask for and I can always count on my sister to be there for me (usually to slap the shit out of me when I need it). My mom and I are trying to get closer and I have a lot of hope that one day she'll be the mom I want her to be.

Then there's derby. I never thought I could get along with so many women! This holiday season, they've proven to me just how much of a family they really are.

I may not have much money, but I feel rich in love. It's all new for me so forgive my gushing.

If you're reading this, I probably love you.

Greatness.

It's almost here... today is Christmas Eve and I am so excited I nearly can't contain myself.

After putting the tree up the day after Thanksgiving (which came into my house in a nearly National Lampoonsian adventure from Menards going 15 mph - still too fast according to Jenny *laugh* - tied to the top of my station wagon with one small piece of twine), I have been in a near constant state of excitement. I feel like a child again, my faith in life has been restored, even though sometimes it's a little more super glue and a little less scarring.

I'm also really excited for 2012 to come. Do you ever get the feeling that all the events in your life are leading up to something bigger, something better? I feel like I'm on the cusp of greatness. All I need to do is get there.

Balance.

Balance has always been a difficult thing for me to achieve. According to astrology (and the majority of my character traits), I am a Libra. Libras are defined by their quest for balance and their drive to have things as even and equal as possible. I often find myself unconsciously striving for that unattainable perfect balance, the place where everything has its place and nothing is out of whack.

Recently, it's been the precarious balance between roller derby versus family versus work. I've had to let roller derby practices fall slightly by the wayside as I strive to pay off a large student loan and hold my family together. My daughter is 10 years old and, although she acts cool,  I know she would prefer that I be home more often, doing mom things like cooking dinner, watching TV on the couch and getting her off to school. Same with my girlfriend. *laugh*

I wish there were more hours in the day so that I can attend practices as much as I'd like, spend as much time with my family as I'd like and still be able to pay off the debts I've accrued over the years. I find my world getting more and more tense the more I try to shove things into places they refuse to fit.

I'd appreciate any tips. :)

What can happen in a year...

I tried to start this post a number of times but could never find the right words. Nothing sounded right, no words could express exactly what I wanted to say. So out the window with formality and grammatical correctness. I'm just going to up and say it.

I love my life.

Last year, as most of you know, I was going through an awful breakup. I lost 15# in about a month because I couldn't eat or drink anything and my outlook on life was bordering on suicidal.

Then, two magical things happened concurrently. Even though I didn't feel ready and was scared to death, I put together my very first boutfit and took the seemingly very long drive down to Decatur to play in my first roller derby bout.

I also met a girl. No, not a girl. THE girl. And, unknowingly, she surprised me by driving nearly two hours to watch me play. Even though I was trying to work things out with my then girlfriend, even though I was a complete headcase... she still came.

I honestly don't remember much about that day. The bout went by in a blur of hitting and tutus and knee socks, punctuated by this amazing hug I got from the amazing girl I want to spend the rest of my life with.

The reason I'm thinking about all this is because last night's roller derby bout reminded me just how much I have in my life. I love my league. I love that I feel like this strong, beautiful, tough woman on roller skates, that my body issues go out the window as soon as that whistle blows. I love every single woman on skates with me - they have become family. I love knowing that each practice I get better, that each practice I get stronger and more sure of myself and my abilities.

And I love that through it all, through my multiple outfit changes and nervous tummies and "I don't think I cans," my beautiful, amazing woman has stuck with me. She loses sleep to support me, she's made shirts to support me and, most of all, she believes in me. She believes in ALL of me, not just the parts that are easy to believe in.

I couldn't be more changed from who I was last year and I am SO grateful for that.

Attachment.

Life is a tricky, funny thing. Often, once you think you have it all figured out, the universe will choose that second to pull the rug out from under you. As it turns out, complacency is the devil you don't see, the devil you invisibly lean on. The interesting thing is the devil is often warm, good-looking and possesses a smile that could melt glass. Even though you might be making all the wrong decisions, it feels so good to make them.


According to Buddhism, life is suffering. Suffering is caused by attachment. Thus, we rid ourselves from the attachment and we can ultimately rid ourselves from suffering.


Sounds simple, right? Cause, you know, I'm not attached to everything in the entire world.

What I have learned and grasped is that holding on to something so tightly you kill it, like popping the head off a dandelion, does nothing for your self esteem and for your attachment to said "thing." It is only in letting that thing go, understanding that they stay because they want to and not because they have to, that you can truly appreciate what you have. Constantly being in a push/pull struggle with want versus need versus dependence, ruins you in every possible way.

I always thought that old adage about the butterfly was a piece of shit. I mean, really. "If you love something, let it go?" Fuck that noise. If I love something, I'm holding onto it until it turns blue.


But the older I get, the more life I have in my years and lessons that I've learned, the more I understand that those who love you and are meant to be there will be and those that aren't, well, let em go. They should love and appreciate and want to stay by you without needing to be forced or reminded.

I'm pretty lucky to have found that.

Mine.

Although it was cold outside, one of the highlights of my day was discovering that I could see my breath in the air. It was the first time this season that I remember being able to do that, so I stood outside and blew breath puffs into the chilly, afternoon air. It was silly in its simplicity but I like to think that I'm exactly the same way. It takes so little to amaze me, to entertain me, that I am in a near constant state of amusement.

We finished up our holiday shopping today, for the most part. After 4 hours of sleep and a long night at work, Jenny got up and we had an awesome time buying presents for my family and my daughter. She's in bed now, trying to rest up before another third shift day, and I'm downstairs when I should be cleaning. The solitude is much needed, with the amount that I've been working. I'm embracing some of my newfound introvertedness. It recharges me to sit a moment by myself and let my brain off the hook, simply existing and not thinking about all I should be doing (at least, as much as I'm capable!).

Soon, my daughter will come downstairs and want to watch TV. Soon, my girlfriend will be up and I will snuggle her. Soon, the dog will want to go out and the cats will demand to be fed.

Now, this moment is all mine.

Me as the phoenix.

It finally snowed some last night and into this morning! I was incredibly happy to see it coming down, even though the reason I got to see it so early was based on a very unruly feline munching on a cardboard box at around 1:30am. Even better than my excitement was how quickly my girlfriend jumped out of bed right after me to run to the window and watch it. Snow is like Christmas for adults, I swear.

According to my advent calender (filled with chocolates!), the big day is a little over 2 weeks away. This terrifies me because I'm only halfway done (possibly less!) with my shopping, so much so that I'm having to drag my shopping unfriendly girlfriend into the bowels of the mall tomorrow. I'm lucky she loves me so much. *laugh*

I was thinking this morning about how different I felt last year. Sometimes the weather evokes memories, both good and bad, and this time of the year definitely left me with some lingering feelings about the person I was last year. It was a time of such confusion and lostness that stands in such stark comparision with who and where I am now. I almost can't recognize the person that I was before in the strong, tough, emotional vulnerable person I am now.

I cry all the time now. Commercials, happy things, sad things. I have such a wealth of emotion that I never accessed before and it is such an amazing and beautiful thing to feel myself opening up in new and unknown ways. Before, I was afraid to express what I perceived as weakness. Now, I can't stop it.

I still have some residual neediness based around the codependence that was exhibited in my previous relationship. Although, instead of a fear of being left, it's an understanding of just how sad I would be without her. I know she loves me, she's fought for me in a very real way (even when I was unable to fight for myself), and I trust her when she says she wants to be with me. The occasional needing to sit on her lap or hold her hand all the time isn't all bad, right?

Basically, I feel like the phoenix. I don't want to demonize my ex-girlfriend because there is no point in that, but the unhealthiness of our relationship definitely forced me to grow and change into this person that I really like, really respect and really cherish knowing how far I've come.

Snow.

I have been waiting for the first real snow of the year.

A few weeks ago, as my girlfriend left for her third shift job, there were a few flakes. Standing in the doorway watching her leave, I almost had the door relocked when she bombarded back through it, excited like a puppy. We stood there together and watched a few small flakes fall, smiling like idiots, but as suddenly as they appeared they stopped and we resumed normal activities. She eventually left for work and I stared out the window, pouting and hoping that more would fall.

Today, there were a brief few minutes of giant snowglobe-like snowflakes. I texted my girlfriend around fifty times (not much exaggeration!) but she was asleep so I stared out the windows at work with my coworkers, watching the big fat flakes fall first quickly then gracefully to the ground. It was beautiful.

I think the thing I enjoy the most about the snow is its ability to refresh. Not only is it fluffy and pretty, but it covers the ground entirely, leaving even the most mundane things looking brand new. No matter how ugly an object is, the snow will make it beautiful. No matter how broken, the snow will make it new. It transforms everything it touches.

So I wait. I Christmas shop. I bake cupcakes and clean the house and bide my time until the first real snow, knowing that my life and my universe and my world look so much different than they did at the last snow last year and my world will never be the same.

Immediacy.

I have a problem with immediacy. I have always been the type of person who wants what I want and wants it now...now now now. I have an inner Veruca Salt who stops her feet and crosses her arms across her chest and taps her foot until getting her way.

Unfortunately, as you can imagine, that desire for having everything immediately has far-reaching and negative repercussions in my life.  Most recently, I'm seeing how that effects my weight loss goals. Any minor setback makes me strike out and over-eat so, instead of just gaining the 0.2# that I originally gained, I gain 2#. It's a vicious cycle, made worse by the fact that I actually pay for Weight Watchers.

I try so hard to fight it, to just tell myself how temporary the uncomfortableness is, how small setback does not equal failure. Even with a supportive girlfriend telling me how beautiful I am and how much skinnier I look, it's hard not to just cover my disappointment with more food and say the hell with the scale and my diet and how much I weigh.

Constant need for immediate gratification is exhausting. Not only does it put me at odds with my (embarrassingly non-practicing) Buddhist nature, it also wears me out and sets me up for failure and disappointment on a near daily basis.