Sitting on the couch this morning, wearing my girlfriend's grey Aero hoodie, I had one of those beautiful, rare moments of clarity.
It surprised me, for a moment, to realize how difficult a time I have had balancing everything recently. I used to put a lot of stock in horoscopes and astrology, although that practice has faded some with time, but I am a Libra. According to all the literature, I am a pretty typical Libra. The symbol of Libra are the scales, the ultimate balancing act. So, naturally, I should have a propensity for balance.
Normally, I do. Thanks to my natural attention deficit disorder, I often flit around like a hummingbird, going from one task to another and back again, with little effect on my pschye.
But recently, I've felt myself worn down. It shocked me to see a defeatist attitude taking over, a "daily grind" sort of mentality. Drifting around with less joy than I have ever had, going from job to job and home without giving anything more than 25% (on a good day) of my time. My relationships suffered, my home suffered and I suffered.
It all came to a head when my shifts were cut at the place I had given my heart for 6 years. I felt angry, worthless, scared. But, thanks to my amazing girlfriend and a little therapy, I've come to understand that I have the world's best support system and I now have weekends. Weekends. I'm going to say that again because it feels foreign to me, like trying to suddenly speak Italian.
So it's my first Sunday. As I told my girlfriend this morning, I'm going to carpe di-motherfucking-em. I'm writing, making pancakes, cleaning. I have my first roller derby practice in a month tonight. I start a new schedule this week that includes getting off early enough to pick my daughter up twice a week and late enough to drop her off at school once a week. My life seems to have somehow clicked together, as I realized this morning.
I can do it. I don't know why I ever thought I couldn't.
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