Carpe diem.

Wow, it has been way too long!

Life has been good. No, strike that. Life has been, in a word, stellar. I feel like I've recently ascended in happiness like a phoenix, flying above all the stress and sadness that used to bring me down. It sounds sappy and dramatic but, if you've seen me in the last few weeks, you'll know from my face how true it is.

It's amazing how easy it is to let someone or something bring you down for so long. You sit back and let them question your motives, your self worth, your drive... and smile and nod while they're doing it! Your love for that person or that situation/job seeps somehow into your ability to feel complete, feel whole and, once you're on the other side of it, you see just how much importance you put on someone or something that didn't deserve it.

I am so happy now and, the best part is, I feel like I earned it. Like I deserve it. I refuse to base my self worth on any external forces and have become so cheesy silly happy that I can't imagine living any other way.

If you haven't tried it, I suggest you do. As I have recently been reminded, life is too short to be unhappy or not live your most genuine life RIGHT NOW.

Carpe diem, bitches. It might be the last one you have.

"All the poems you read
And what you really sought
Was the one poem.

And when you found it
... Weren’t you lifted up?
Didn’t you become lighter?

Transparent even, so that
someone looking at you
Could see the world,
Could see the world inside you?"

— Gregory Orr

Sunday Morning Coming Down...

Sitting on the couch this morning, wearing my girlfriend's grey Aero hoodie, I had one of those beautiful, rare moments of clarity.

It surprised me, for a moment, to realize how difficult a time I have had balancing everything recently. I used to put a lot of stock in horoscopes and astrology, although that practice has faded some with time, but I am a Libra. According to all the literature, I am a pretty typical Libra. The symbol of Libra are the scales, the ultimate balancing act. So, naturally, I should have a propensity for balance. 

Normally, I do. Thanks to my natural attention deficit disorder, I often flit around like a hummingbird, going from one task to another and back again, with little effect on my pschye.

But recently, I've felt myself worn down. It shocked me to see a defeatist attitude taking over, a "daily grind" sort of mentality. Drifting around with less joy than I have ever had, going from job to job and home without giving anything more than 25% (on a good day) of my time. My relationships suffered, my home suffered and I suffered.

It all came to a head when my shifts were cut at the place I had given my heart for 6 years. I felt angry, worthless, scared. But, thanks to my amazing girlfriend and a little therapy, I've come to understand that I have the world's best support system and I now have weekends. Weekends. I'm going to say that again because it feels foreign to me, like trying to suddenly speak Italian. 

So it's my first Sunday. As I told my girlfriend this morning, I'm going to carpe di-motherfucking-em. I'm writing, making pancakes, cleaning. I have my first roller derby practice in a month tonight. I start a new schedule this week that includes getting off early enough to pick my daughter up twice a week and late enough to drop her off at school once a week. My life seems to have somehow clicked together, as I realized this morning.

I can do it. I don't know why I ever thought I couldn't.