Quick sand.

After a wonderful birthday last night, I got into my jammies and crawled into bed next to my beautiful girlfriend. We had done little last night but watch TV, enjoying the rare night off that we get just a few times a month.

I curled up next to her, forming my back against the curve of her front, and relaxed. As she covered the nape of my neck with tiny kisses, I started to cry.

"What's wrong," she asked me, her voice full of concern.

After a few minutes of trying to form my thoughts and emotions into words, it finally came out.

"I feel like a ghost, like I was alive one minute and just a muted, faded version of myself the next. I don't know where I went or what happens but it makes me really sad."

And there is was, all of a sudden. My humor aside, all defense mechanisms laid to rest, I turned 31 and silently lost my mind.

I want to feel like I'm really good at something, like I'm able to put 100% into it. My life is crazy, with so little downtime, that when I'm allowed to be alone and quiet with my thoughts they tend to come up in not so quiet fits of emotion.

What it really comes down to is feeling like a failure. I remember so clearly what I used to be like, really hanging onto and enjoying every minute, and I find myself all of a sudden in the system. I never have enough money, I'm still renting, I have debt and no degree to show for it, my house is a mess, I feel like I half ass my relationship with my girlfriend and my daughter and I feel like I'm not growing in derby because my brain is so discombobulated all the time.

It's a hard place to be in because none of those problems have an easy fix. I can't snap my fingers and feel like a better mom. I can't just suddenly become an "all star" derby player. My house isn't magically going to clean itself. I'm stuck in quick sand and the more I panic, the deeper I sink.

So I'm here, writing (which is another thing that has gotten left in the dust), trying to figure it all out on "paper" instead of letting it continue to lurk in my head. I have no solutions, no quick fixes. I'm just here, human and bare.