Forgiveness.

I believe very strongly in the power of being able to adjust and control your own attitude.

I, however, have not quite learned the finer art of being able to do that. There are times when my mind plays tricks on me, runs away with tiny, negative thoughts, and my rational brain is unable to rein it back in.

I have always been creative. The downside of that creativity is that I often can create scenarios that are unlikely, if not impossible, to happen. When I was dating my ex-girlfriend Jenny, I was struggling with the feeling that I was still in love with my ex before her, Bridgette. In the shower yesterday (I do some of my best thinking - and singing - in there!), it occurred to me that it was Bridgette's constant reminding me how much she loved me and how much we belonged together that convinced me that it was inevitable.

Now, with the benefit of time and space, I can see how little I was making and influencing my own decisions. Besides being a kind of gross realization, I also feel awful because I ended up hurting a lot of people in my quest to get to my real feelings on the situation.

I've started, recently, trying to forgive myself for my past. I hold myself to a pretty high standard and any deviation from what I view as perfect behavior just totally fucks with my brain. I've hurt people, I've made unpopular decisions and I am a human being. We aren't perfect, we CAN'T be. We can only move forward having learned who we are and what we want out of life... and that's what I'm doing.

I have a wonderful girlfriend who, knowing my past, chooses to love me despite it. If she can, I should be able to.