Talismans and Treasure.
Sunday, November 18, 2018
A long time coming...
It's been a long time.
I've been doing some side projects here and there, which have made personal writing nearly obsolete for longer than I'd like to admit.
In fact, many of the things that I would consider making me the person I am have gone by the wayside as I focus on school, job, and money.
I'd really like to change that. I have this nearly insatiable tingling urge in my brain to create words, to spill my guts on (virtual) paper.
With my incredibly time and energy consuming class just a few weeks from being over (and ignoring the fact that nursing school is hopefully soon to come), it's given me pause to think about what I feel is going well and what needs to be going better in my life.
I need to write more, for me. I may never have a career that involves writing, but it is an essential part of maintaining my mental health. I also need to cook more. I get lazy, my ADHD kicks in, and all of my best-laid plans go to shit. When I'm cooking, when I'm baking, I'm calm. Happy. Distracted. Why I don't do it more, I'll never understand. I also need to work out more, especially in the dark season.
Why do we neglect so much of our own self-care in favor of driving ourselves into the crowd with stress and worry, just for a few dollars more? What would happen if we, just for a day, put aside all of what we "should" be doing and focus on what we want to be doing?
I encourage you, as we go into this stressful holiday season, to really look out for yourself. Listen to your body, your mind. Focus less on the "have to's" and the "should's" and more on the "want to's" and "need to's." Be your own advocate, your own best friend.
It's a little like putting the oxygen mask on yourself before you try to help anyone else.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
The year of no fucks given...
My life has changed substantially over the past few months. No, it's no one's business. Facebook and social media in general pushes this weird social narrative that all relationships are public knowledge, for public consumption. I know, personally, I've been caught up in that gossipy bullshit where I feel like I want to know all the details about hook ups and break ups... but, in actuality, it really is a private manner and I'm done trying to have to explain myself and my life to anyone (especially people who just want to know and don't actually care).
This has also pushed me to take a huge step back from social media in general. I'm keeping a presence for writing and to keep up on activism and friends that I don't get to see frequently, but I'm done feeling like I have to explain, compete, be funny, be intelligent... I'm never gonna be anything other than exactly who the fuck I am and I'm pretty ok with that. I'm happy with Melle and, if you're not, hit the unfriend button and move along.
This year is all about fighting back... against our new political environment, against social norms, against my own and other people's expectations of how I should behave and who I should be. I'm ready to perpetuate my tribe, however small that may end up being.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
"Patriot's Day"
Over the past few years, though, it's become more hollow and increasingly apparent to me what's really happening...
Blind patriotism is dangerous. We're all being conned.
Maybe I say that because I can not remember a time in my life when I've felt "proud" of being an American. I've never been inspired to wave a giant American flag or cry during the National Anthem. I don't view Fourth of July as anything more than a giant red, white and blue orgasm of fireworks, hot dogs and beer.
But don't try to feed me that "freedom isn't free" bullshit. I've been a military wife, have watched friends be lowered into the ground in service of a country that did not give a fuck about them, and been able to do nothing but cry and scream internally when they fired off the 21 gun salute. I raised my daughter alone for the first few years of her life while her father was in Afghanistan, Iraq... being shot at and killing people because he was told to do so.
But let's start from the beginning.
Many of our ancestors fled England due to religious persecution, poverty and indentured servitude. Think about that for a second.
They sailed over here in boats, full of hope and enthusiasm, proceeded to slaughter nearly an entire indigenous population and then become the very thing they were escaping from. Since then? We still persecute people who practice religion differently than what the "norm" is (or, god forbid, not at all *gasp*). The poverty level is not only obscene, but people are being judged, scolded and harassed for seeking any sort of help. We've relegated Native Americans to reservations with terrible education, alcohol problems and sexual assault (and set dogs on them when they protest the desecration of their burial lands and water sources). And slavery? Well, our ancestors must have forgotten about wanting to escape from that pretty quickly.
And we make today Patriot's Day? Fuck that. What is patriotic about today? We've become everything we hate, everything we try to bomb out of other countries. Sure, we may have more "freedom" then some of them, but do we really? We tell other countries what they're doing wrong and hold ourselves up to the world as some sort of golden standard... but totally ignore everything that needs fixing (and not just ignore...actively defend or deny).
We publicly abhor how other countries handle women's rights and sexual abuse, but we give rapists less than 3 months in jail and spend a ridiculous amount of time and energy trying to take legal rights away from women and continually attempt to defund Planned Parenthood.
We hate Muslims, but let our Christians quietly become the KKK and say nothing (I'm not even going to begin to go into Donald Trump's rise to candidacy fame).
We wring our hands about North Korea and how unacceptable it is there, but then threaten to kill people who don't stand for the National Anthem.
We don't have segregated drinking fountains any more but we still are quick to call POC liars, niggers and drama queens when they point out how they're still being singled out.
If you ask the internet, the white man is the most oppressed group in the entire United States.
I call bullshit on all of that. I can't watch one more video of someone leaping out of the Trade Towers and somehow be asked to translate that into patriotism. True patriotism is helping to make this country greater, calling out its flaws and helping to fix them.
What we're constantly being asked to do isn't patriotism, it's nationalism. It's dangerous and I worry we're just now starting to see the turn the country has taken into terrifying territory.
Friday, January 1, 2016
2016.
But, is it really?
As human beings, we're always searching for finish lines and starting gates. The race, the real work of the thing, gets lost in concept.
I'm just as guilty as the next person.
This year, I want to finally get healthy. I want to write more. I want to paint more. I want, I want, I want.
But who am I already?
At my core, I'm a deeply imperfect person. I don't say that with any disdain. I love my life, my imperfections. Right now, I'm sitting on the couch, writing this, watching a movie and drinking a glass of red wine. There are many things I could and probably should be doing... my kitchen is a mess, my laundry needs done... but I'm focused on (and possibly hyperfocused - it has recently come to my attention that hyperfocus is a symptom of attention deficit disorder which I have been vehemently ignoring that I have for years) what I want to do.
At some point, all this arbitrary bullshit that we continually pile onto ourselves in an attempt to "become a better person" just ends up being too much, right? Work out, eat right, travel more, spend more time with family, with friends, with ourselves... when do we just embrace our genuine humanness and stop becoming a list of shit we should be doing?
Friday, October 9, 2015
Choice.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Chelsea Dagger.
The last time I heard Chelsea Dagger, I was standing in a crowd of people at the Chicago Pride parade. The Stanley Cup sat proudly on the float, there was cheering and excitement.
I stood there, surrounded by cheering, and cried. My tears were tears of joy, of course, but they were also tears of grief.
Tonight is the first game of the regular season for the Blackhawks. I will celebrate. I will cheer. But I will, above all, miss my sweet puppy.
Chelsea was hit by a car just after the Hawks won the Cup. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't miss her with my very soul, that I don't wish she was still here, letting me hold her up and make her dance to the music.
Thankfully, my memory of seeing her tiny body crushed by the car, the noise of the impact and the feeling of screaming comes less and less frequently. But every day her absence is made clear.